I was getting ready to take a shower after my daily stint on the treadmill when I stopped to check my email and learn what’s new on the internet, and in social media. I came across an article that scared the bejesus outta me. The Atlantic reported that President Barak Hussein Obama frequently suggests to his staff that fear of terrorism is overblown, with Americans more likely to die from falls in tubs than from attacks by terrorists. Wow. I did not know that.

Have you ever heard someone say, "You scared the bejesus outta me!" That was invented from King BeJeezus. Since King BeJeezus' kinging skills were crap "You scared the bejesus outta me!" means "You scared the crap outta me." Over time the spelling shifted from BeJeezus to Bejeezos to bejeeezis to lalalala to bejesus.

So, are these devious bathtubs a greater threat than terrorists? Or did President Obama slip in the tub on this one? Not taking any chances, I quickly checked out our bathtub. Actually, I have never been in it inasmuch as I am a shower kind of guy. Nonetheless I don’t want to take any chances, so there is no way I am getting into that slippery thing if I can be assaulted by it.

Obama to Sign Executive Order to Ban Assault Bathtubs

President Obama is more or less right on this issue: 464 people drowned in American bathtubs, albeit sometimes after falls, in 2013. This is a reckless act of violence by these slick devices which obviously present a grave danger to the American people. According to an unnamed senior administration official, bathtub manufacturers and suppliers of bathtub parts and accessories will also be forced to cease production and delivery of all assault bathtubs. Therefore, we have to ban these evil tubs and their manufacturers.

Bathtub safety advocates are pushing to stop all parents from allowing their nippers to frolic in bathtubs. They say that all bathtubs must be registered and only people with special licenses will be able to use bathtubs in the future. The anti-bathtub organization “Coalition to Ban Assault Tubs” (C-BAT) have softened their stance to allow those with medical authorizations and some shower challenged citizens to apply for special licenses to operate bathtubs in the privacy of their own homes.

C-BAT Files Lawsuit in California Court

Attorneys for C-BAT have also filed suit against hotel, motel and B&B operators to remove all bathtubs from their properties in an effort to expedite the elimination of these baby killers. They have issued a press release warning caring parents to make sure they investigate the homes their children may visit, or sleep-over, in an effort to stop these viscous assault tubs as well.

C-BAT supporters are also advocating children of all ages, sex, creed, race and ethnicity to shower together at home and in school locker rooms. They purport in a press release that this will promote diversity and eliminate long held prejudices against victims of gender identity.

The NBA will Stage a Protest

Meanwhile the “National Bathtub Association” (NBA), a pro-choice bathing group, have issued a press release stating they will stage a sit-down protest wherever bathtubs are located. It is reported that some NBA members will hold a protest at the next Oscar Awards ceremony. They are rumored to want to stage this protest this event in the nude using a ploy the PETA advocates often use. A PETA spokesperson has denied having an association with the NBA and has urged all vegetarians to refrain from washing any, and all, fruits and vegetables.

The NCAA Stance on Sit-Down Strikes Unknown

The “National Commode Association of America” (NCAA) is investigating these tragedies as well. No one knows for sure what their stance will be on this issue but a sit-down strike in public restrooms appears to be on the agenda. They are specifically targeting college athletic teams who have been reported to dunking player’s heads during hazing incidents.

The “Consumer Product Safety Commission” (CPSC) 2012 Report

The “Consumer Product Safety Commission” (CPSC) issued a 2012 report on bathtub drownings. From 2006 to 2010, total deaths were 434 for an average of 87 per year. The bulk of those deaths, 348, involved children under 4 years old.

It also shows is that children 17 and under are more likely to die from accidental gunfire than from drowning in a bathtub, although the difference is small.

A new CPSC report on in-home drownings and non-fatal submersions in products such as bathtubs, buckets, bath seats, toilets, and landscaping features indicates that from 2006 to 2010, there were 684 incidents involving children younger than five-years-old. This figure includes 434 fatalities (an average of 87 per year), 233 injuries, and 17 incidents with no known injuries.